Grip of the Patriarch

Once upon a time Hindi movies came with a social message. It was about good winning over the evil. There was a moral to the story. The protagonist would be allowed to stray, but would suffer and would always come back to the righteous path. Since 1990s plots have changed. Most of them are now shades of grey.

However things seem to be changing. ‘Toilet – A Prem Katha’ is a movie with a strong social message. I am sure it will do a lot for the Swach Bharat Mission. Movies have a magnifying impact on society. While the movie emphasises the importance of building toilets for women, the protagonist is unable to build a toilet in his house or village due to objections from the village head and his father.

Indian culture lays an emphasis on respect for elders. I have seen families where the father figure’s writ runs large. Nobody dares protest or speak anything against him. Let us call him the controller. Deviations from his script are practised in private outside the house, only to have a mask of compliance and respect in front of him.

The controller does all this for the good of the family. He is the one who has raised the family through tough times. The children were young and the family was struggling for two square meals. The controller worked hard, put in long hours, skipped meals only to ensure a strong future for the family. And today when the family is strong and independent, he does not want to let go. He wants the next generation to carry on his legacy, not on their ideas, but as per his wishes. He still continues to wield an iron fist. Any attempts to break free are chastised.

Most of the times, the progenies of the patriarch are weak. They can’t, don’t want to take or are not allowed to take independent decisions. Initial attempts at breaking free are snubbed and chastised. The patriarch takes pride in ensuring his writ runs large across the family. The patriarch’s decisions are not to be questioned. The problem with these families, is that it becomes very difficult for the patriarch to walk into the sunset. The progenies aren’t strong enough to handle crises and the patriarch is always relied on for advice. When the patriarch is no longer available, the families struggle to thrive.

The behaviour of the patriarch is part ego, part concern, part resilience to change. And in this environment, the younger generation feels suffocated. Outsiders who get married into the family feel the suffocation even more. They come from a different environment, a different culture, sometimes even an open culture. They are raised as independent individuals in an environment where creativity is encouraged, issues are debated and people are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. These outsiders find it very difficult to adjust within the family. They either rebel against the patriarch or leave the family. They are then accused of splitting or driving a wedge within the family.

What then is the solution? The patriarch needs to start loosening his grip. The patriarch needs to decide which battles to fight. The smaller battles need to be left to the progenies to fight. Failure needs to be tolerated. It is not about being victorious all the time. Discuss the repercussions of various decisions and leave the progenies to make mistakes. Let the progenies learn from their mistakes.

In case of a failure, criticism should not be “I told you so.” It should be, “How can we now retrieve the situation or minimise the damage?” The next generation should be hand held into succession and the reins should be handed over. The handover process should be initiated well before retirement and the transition has to be smooth and lengthy. Most importantly standards of success need to be altered. 

One cannot expect perfection all the time.

Most of the times, the routes may be different. There are multiple ways to success and the patriarch has to realise the same. Different routes need to be tried out, to identify what will work and what will not. There has to be a tolerance for different thoughts, failure and different measures of success.

At some point of time, even though the patriarch has a stake in the family, he needs to disengage from the proceedings  and focus his attention on something else and let go. The child has now grown up and needs to find its own feet.

Do you see similarities in your lives?  I thought I was writing about the Infosys and Tata episodes.