Once upon a time Hindi movies came with a social message. It
was about good winning over the evil. There was a moral to the story. The
protagonist would be allowed to stray, but would suffer and would always come
back to the righteous path. Since 1990s plots have changed. Most of them are
now shades of grey.
However things seem to be changing. ‘Toilet – A Prem Katha’
is a movie with a strong social message. I am sure it will do a lot for the
Swach Bharat Mission. Movies have a magnifying impact on society. While the
movie emphasises the importance of building toilets for women, the protagonist
is unable to build a toilet in his house or village due to objections from the
village head and his father.
Indian culture lays an emphasis on respect for elders. I have seen families
where the father figure’s writ runs large. Nobody dares protest or speak
anything against him. Let us call him the controller. Deviations from his
script are practised in private outside the house, only to have a mask of
compliance and respect in front of him.
The controller does all this for the good of the family. He
is the one who has raised the family through tough times. The children were
young and the family was struggling for two square meals. The controller worked
hard, put in long hours, skipped meals only to ensure a strong future for the
family. And today when the family is strong and independent, he does not want
to let go. He wants the next generation to carry on his legacy, not on their
ideas, but as per his wishes. He still continues to wield an iron fist. Any
attempts to break free are chastised.
Most of the times, the progenies of the patriarch are weak.
They can’t, don’t want to take or are not allowed to take independent
decisions. Initial attempts at breaking free are snubbed and chastised. The
patriarch takes pride in ensuring his writ runs large across the family. The
patriarch’s decisions are not to be questioned. The problem with these
families, is that it becomes very difficult for the patriarch to walk into the
sunset. The progenies aren’t strong enough to handle crises and the patriarch
is always relied on for advice. When the patriarch is no longer available, the
families struggle to thrive.
The behaviour of the patriarch is part ego, part concern,
part resilience to change. And in this environment, the younger generation
feels suffocated. Outsiders who get married into the family feel the
suffocation even more. They come from a different environment, a different
culture, sometimes even an open culture. They are raised as independent
individuals in an environment where creativity is encouraged, issues are debated and people are
allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. These outsiders find it very
difficult to adjust within the family. They either rebel against the patriarch
or leave the family. They are then accused of splitting or driving a wedge
within the family.
What then is the solution? The patriarch needs to start
loosening his grip. The patriarch needs to decide which battles to fight. The
smaller battles need to be left to the progenies to fight. Failure needs to be
tolerated. It is not about being victorious all the time. Discuss the
repercussions of various decisions and leave the progenies to make mistakes. Let
the progenies learn from their mistakes.
In case of a failure, criticism should not be “I told you
so.” It should be, “How can we now retrieve the situation or minimise the
damage?” The next generation should be hand held into succession and the reins
should be handed over. The handover process should be initiated well before
retirement and the transition has to be smooth and lengthy. Most importantly
standards of success need to be altered.
One cannot expect perfection all the
time.
Most of the times, the routes may be different. There are
multiple ways to success and the patriarch has to realise the same. Different
routes need to be tried out, to identify what will work and what will not.
There has to be a tolerance for different thoughts, failure and different
measures of success.
At some point of time, even though the patriarch has a stake
in the family, he needs to disengage from the proceedings and focus his attention on something else and
let go. The child has now grown up and needs to find its own feet.
Do you see similarities in your lives? I thought I was writing about the Infosys and
Tata episodes.
