“Mobile-only makes sense for Flipkart” , says Sachin Bansal
of Flipkart (Times of India 8th December 2015).
1986 was my first tryst with computers. Since then it has
been a love hate relationship with technology. I love technology, but not sure
that the feeling is mutual. Or maybe technology loves me so much, that it gets
tongue tied in my presence.. the way I do in the presence of the women I have a
crush on. Everybody who has fallen in love in their teens and early twenties,
will understand what I mean.
In the 90s when I was young, I wished damsels fell in love
with me.. but computers and printers did. My mere presence was enough to hang
desktops and jam printers. Once I even made a great impression on a foreign
damsel. I was at my client’s office and his son had just got an inkjet printer
from the US which was a novelty in India at that time. The moment I entered the
room, the damsel swooned and started crooning. It spewed out junk
characters.... I understood the message, but my client was at wits end. It was
only when I was out of the room, that normalcy returned.
On another occasion,
I was conducting an audit in a small village town called Kudal, on the southern
border of Maharashtra. The moment I entered the computer room, the line printer
got tongue tied and stalled. I could only laugh at my fan following.
With age the fan following has gone down, and my charm has
diminished. Last week, I was invited for a dinner in Pune with my spouse, but
unfortunately she could not join me. The host mentioned that I should have got
my girlfriend. I joked that at this age and with this paunch, having a
girlfriend is not possible. He said, don’t give up hope, you will be surprised.
His words were prophetic, only this time, I fell in love and this blog is about
my newest girlfriend.
Well she is young, beautiful, slim and desired by many. In
the last twelve months, she has had hundreds of marriage proposals, but she is
an eternal flirt. Some people have managed to go on a date with her, while she
has dumped quite a few. She is so amazing, I am head over heels in love with
her. If you have not guessed by now, it is... the app on my smartphone.
Today evening, I was a bit lazy to get up and switch on the
computer. I wanted to know the movie timings in the nearby cinema hall, so picked
the mobile phone and accessed the movie booking app. Last week we were in Nasik
for a week and had accessed the app from there, so it returned movie timings
for Nasik, while I wanted them for Mumbai.
I scanned the screen for the button which would help me
change the location. She was looking back at me, smiling. Her smile was
sunshine and enchanting.
I was as tongue tied
as I was twenty five years ago, when I went out with my first crush for the
first coffee. Both of them said the same thing. “I know what your intentions
are, but I won’t help you. I will play along with you and watch the fun. Let’s
see if you can make me fall in love with you.” Flirting at its best.
I was looking at her
as I would look at all my crushes, tongue tied and not knowing what to say or
in this case do. But the conversation had to begin. I could not spend my entire
date gazing at her with stars in my eyes. If she had to be mine, I had to say
something.
On my first date, I
asked her what will you have and she had said, “Juice.” I had to ask for the
menu card. Suddenly an idea struck me
and I put my finger on that part which showed me my current location – Nasik. The
menu and a list of cities appeared.
Chivalry demanded that I make the choice from the menu. Also
the attempt to impress her means I have the same juice that she has. Only if
our tastes match, is there a chance of taking this relationship ahead. I
suggested pineapple and she wanted watermelon. I clicked on Mumbai, but she
returned the search result for Bengaluru. Disaster - History repeats itself
after twenty five years.
I did not want watermelon, and she was insisting on the
same. Three times, I put my finger on Mumbai, only to return results for
Bengaluru. Clearly the conversation was not going on desired lines. I tried to
remember, what I did twenty five years ago. Yes, I told her that I did not want
watermelon, and asked her to pick a flavour she liked.
I looked for a search box and found one. I put my finger in
the box so that the keypad would get activated. Instead of activating the key
pad, it returned search results for National Capital Region. After repeated
tries, I gave up, got up and switched on my faithful computer.
I have since shared many coffees, but haven’t progressed beyond
that for some reason. I seem to be incapable of succeeding in the art of wooing
a woman. When I shared my predicament with an agony aunt, she told me, that I
have fat fingers. Well, I can use a nail file to chisel my nails, but how does
one chisel fat fingers without bleeding?
Thank God for the concept of arranged marriages in India,
else I would have remained a bachelor. Spouses may not be glamorous, the
technology may be old, but they are willing to live with fat fingers.
I am no longer willing to spend money in this pursuit (other
than a few coffees). If a woman wants to fall in love with me, it has to be on
the basis of my intelligence and accept my fat fingers.
However, hope is eternal, and I will continue in
my pursuit of pretty young women. Yesterdays’s newspaper carried articles of
Celebrities in Hollywood getting married to younger women, with the age
difference being more than fifteen years. It is time to upgrade my smartphone and
explore newer apps. After all, Men will be men!!!
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